I have to admit. I am a lonely woman. I do not have a strong support net to speak of, no “girlfriends” to confide in. I have no siblings and three cousins out in Texas. My parents freak out if I try talking with them. My old college buddies are all married off with children, too busy for me. Who does this leave for me? I do have a few work friends. That’s about it. I can’t really talk with them, because I fear something private I share might make its way back to the office.
So, how do I deal? I meditate. I pursue stillness and calm. I volunteer at the local shelter. I go online and talk on forums where I can be anonymous and still reveal my fears and issues. As far as meaningful human contact, I don’t have much. My parents are Lutherans and don’t believe in huggings. And, while many times an online forum member sends me hugs, it just isn’t the same. I crave touch, and not in a sexual way.
That’s why I opt for on demand massage. It’s discrete (not that massage is shameful anyway, but as I said I am Lutheran) and the therapists travel to my apartment. I must admit that being worked on by a therapist is not the same as a hug; afterwards, I feel better. I know there might be other women out there suffering from the same physical isolation, feeling dissociated because they live in what amounts to a glass bubble, a no-touch world.
In-home massage for women is my way of dealing with feeling isolated. It is an imperfect solution, and I’d gladly trade my weekly massage for a real hug from a caring friend, but I’ll take what I can get. I know this may sound desperate, but it really isn’t. I see it more as a practical solution, a way of addressing my needs as a living person. I do hope that some day, I will have close BFFs like I did in high school, girls who will help me get ready for a date (if I ever have any, that is) and listen when I talk.
I do not need therapy. I am sane, and I know myself well. I just wish there was an easy way for a woman my age to make friends with other women, and have meaningful relationships that do not center around work. But I also live in the real world, and realize that as we age, it becomes more difficult to find friends. My high school friends are back in Oklahoma. We moved when I was nineteen. In college, I focused on my studies. Trust me, I’m far from antisocial.
In the end, I realize it’s OK to be lonely. Maybe one day I will meet someone. I am not the most attractive person, but I am in shape and I do smile sometimes. In the end, there’s no real reason why I should be so alone. But I am, so I deal with it constructively. People say you just need to “put yourself out there” but I don’t know exactly what that means.
It's Only Marissa 